Unbreak My Heart

She lay there, using her bag as a pillow, right in the middle of the grounds. The huge building towered above and all around her. All she could hear were cicadas chirruping away in some corner. Only a few parts of the building were illuminated and there wasn't a soul in sight, save a stray cat prowling here and there. There was a slight nip in the air since it was late evening. The moon was out already.

Her friends had avoided her that day. All they had done was offer her their sympathetic words and just left her alone, when all she wanted was for them to come and hug her, or at the least, buy her some chocolate to make her feel better.

The scene was beautiful, just like what she used to dream of. But today, she just couldn't appreciate how beautiful it was. Until last week, every Friday, she looked forward to the end of classes, when she would go out with him for a quick bite, then come back and lie under the moonlit sky. Just the two of them, hand in hand, looking up at the sky; and then at each other. Sometimes they would sit and talk for hours, until one of them would glance at their watch and realise it was time to go home. He would offer her his cardigan if she felt cold. It was her idea of Dreamland. Their little escape route from Reality before they parted ways for their long train journey home.

With him, she felt warm and secure, like an invisible quilt draped over her, shielding her from every cold night, every day that she had to go to bed on an empty stomach. With him, she felt her pain dull and her life become a more bearable one to live. She hated going home each day to her perpetually quarreling parents and the incessant cries of her baby brother, waiting to be fed. She'd sometimes notice him staring at her frayed clothes and footwear and torn exercise books, not saying anything, but understanding it all. Each day they left for home, he never forgot to hug her and tell her that he promised to be there always, no matter what. She loved him with all her heart.

She sometimes felt weak and vulnerable inside, with the thought that he had become so much a part of her identity, that she now found it hard to be without him. This made her feel guilty with the misunderstanding that she was never there when he needed her. When she did finally gather the courage to tell him this, he had shut her up with a kiss. She still remembered his words, "Just looking at you every day gives me the strength to carry on with life...so, my dear, never say things like this again".

She stared up vacantly at the sky, counting the stars, because she wanted to sleep right there and not let his thoughts torment her all night. But she couldn't. She could feel the tears coming for the umpteenth time that day. Before she knew it,  her petite frame was racked with sobs that just wouldn't stop. His memories came flooding back to her...all his hugs and their letters, countless evenings spent at the beach....it all made her sob afresh. She could feel the energy draining out of herself. Suddenly she felt a slight shiver and instinctively reached out for him....but a sharp stab of realisation told her he wasn't there.  She lay there like that for sometime, lost in his thoughts, cold, empty, destroyed.

Glancing at her watch, she realised it was time to go home. But she couldn't bring herself to get up. She saw her phone blinking and felt her heart leap, half expecting a message from him…but it was from one of her friends, with the same sympathetic words she was so tired of hearing now.

"I love you :) can't wait to see you tomorrow :)" was his last message to her.

Tragically, the "tomorrow" never came.

He passed away in a car accident the same night.

"I'll always be there for you, no matter what", was what he had once promised her. His premature exit had left her feeling heartbroken and betrayed. 

But what she didn't know was that he had turned into a star that twinkled whenever she looked up at the sky, watching over her always.

He had kept his promise. 

 

vichhodeya ne maar leya
kiven jeevaan, mainu samajh na aaye

With Or Without You.

This is not who I am

brooding, pensive, staring out at the sky.

This isn't me

clutching the past to my heart like a teddy bear

not wanting to let go.

My eyes cloud easily; at the drop of a hat

I can't see what's in the distance

I want to be a child again

holding balloons, playing catch-and-cook

without a care in the world.

I'm wearing a pretty veil

and a suit of chain-mail

when all I want to do

is rip them all off

and sit in a corner; and cry.

You're there in my dreams all the time

I hold you to myself like a teddy bear

not wanting to let go, ever.

But when I open my eyes

there's just an empty space beside me.

Tears never came easily to me

but today, I dont know whats wrong...

It hit me real hard that day

and I found the answers to all my questions

It's frightening. It is, really.

Set me free from this maelstrom of emotions that I live in

I'm drowning

and I don't want to be in it anymore.

This is not who I am,

insomniac, dreamer, future-wedding-planner.

This is not me.

I don't read love stories

I don't watch sobfests that make my heart ache;

you made me.

Your imperfect world

makes me dream of a perfect one for myself

even if it's not who I am.

Who is the real me, then?
"Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts..."

Go Away.

Get out of my life and let me breathe

let me break out of this bubble of mine.

It's kept me in denial for so long

but now, I really want to face reality.

Your chemical addled brain is killing me

your smoke filled lungs are spewing out toxic fumes with every breath you take.

I want fresh air.

Go away!

I hate awkward silences

the silences where we talk, just for the heck of it,

but really, you haven't an iota of interest in what I'm saying.

Over reacting, blaming, accusing, condemning;

Classic you.

I've had enough of it.

Go away!

I've never known what it's like

to be the epicentre of someone's life

My heart breaks into pieces when Ross kisses Rachel.

All because of you.

You can see everything clearly, yet you blame me.

Classic you.

No one will cry when you die;

this I assure you.

How did I not see it coming?

Maybe it's because your chemical spiked blood runs through my veins

and has clouded my mind and judgement like yours.

You better stay away from me.

I can handle this better than you;

Kicking, screaming, clawing, abusing, spitting.

Classic you.

For me, you'll always be Radium.

Radioactive, poisonous, lethal.

You could kill me someday.

Back off, or I'll go mad very soon.

Its too late now.

Go away

and don't ever return.

No Air.

Everything was enveloped in darkness, save the flash of a stray cellphone. The only sound that could be heard was the whirring of the huge ceiling fans. Everyone was deathly silent. She stood in the wings, nervously adjusting her costume and patting a few stray wisps of hair into place. Her heart, although racing at quadruple speed, was delirious with joy, just looking at him. She waited for him to start.

He stood on stage, alone, in the soft glow of the spotlights. The audience waited with bated breath. And then he suddenly turned to look at her. All their worries from the past few weeks of practice seemed to spill out from his one glance, as if to ask, “Will it all be OK?” She gave him a thumbs-up. And he smiled at her and turned back to the audience.

As soon as he hit the opening notes, she heard a collective intake of breath. The hall was soon filled with his voice echoing off the wooden ceiling. She entered a few minutes later, and holding hands, they performed, matching note for note, word for word:

If I should die before I wake

It’s ‘cause you took my breath away

She was in another world, where only he existed. He was her prince. The other half of her song. Her best friend. She couldn't see the audience looking at them in awe, nor their accompanists. All she could see was him, looking so unbearably handsome, standing there with her.

But how do you expect me

to live alone, just me?

She remembered walking in on him during lunch breaks, diligently practising in empty classrooms, because he couldn't hit the high notes very well then. Then she’d join in too. They had been practising for weeks, whenever they could get time. He really wanted the trophy to be theirs that year.

But all she wanted was to be with him, to be able to sing with him. She was the happiest person in the world, the day she got to know that they would be pairing. She didn't care about the trophy, since she had won it the year before....and somewhere in between the frantic exchange of sheet music, lost plectrums and the innumerable bottles of cough syrup, her fairytale had begun.

‘Cause my world revolves around you

It’s so hard for me to breathe

They glanced at each other during an interlude. She had never looked so beautiful before. Her voice reminded him of wind chimes, of pianos and violins - of the mother he never had.

Of the peace he had never had, that he felt today, just holding her hand.

They drew closer.

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

Can’t live, can’t breathe with no air

She looked into his eyes.

But somehow I'm still alive inside

You took my breath but I survived

I don’t know how

and I don’t even care

The audience applauded enthusiastically and loud shouts of “Come on, Monica!” and the chanting of his name from the back rows rent the air.

It’s how I feel when I know you ain't there

There’s no air, no air

They heard the concluding notes of their song; and with a final flourish, he hoisted her up into the air. The curtains started closing. Shocked, she looked at him; astonished, since this wasn't part of their routine. But all he did was gently put her down. A few awkward minutes passed...and then they heard a deafening cheer from the audience. A technician ran excitedly backstage to tell them that they had won.

They had done it. He hugged her and whispered “Congratulations, we nailed it” into her ear. She was so happy that she wanted to kiss him. A voice in her head told her to do it right there.

But just then, another girl came running to where they were standing, and before she could know what was happening, the girl hugged him; and very audibly said “I love you, William”…..and then he whispered into her ear “I love you too, Beth”. Both of them ran off the stage, laughing and giggling. He cried out to Monica that he would give her a call once he reached home.

Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh oh

Her fairytale shattered in front of her eyes. Tears began streaming down her pancaked face, smudging her makeup. She collapsed into a nearby chair.

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave

My heart won’t move, its incomplete

They won that day. It secured her position as female lead for the following year’s competition too, third year in a row. But she didn't care. She had lost him.

Got me out here in the water so deep

Tell me how you’re gonna be without me

She could hear people calling out to her, asking her to come and celebrate.

If you ain't here I just can’t breathe

It’s no air, no air

Kneeling down, she tearfully whispered to herself, “I love you, William.”

No air.